I haven't written anything on this for a long while, because life post-A levels has been one whole roller coaster of a ride. It hasn't been the easiest of years to get through, but I guess I have learnt a lot about myself and what I can or can't take. It's a good realisation, a bittersweet one, because I'm tired from all that's gone on this year and I know this can't possibly be the worst year I'll ever have to face in my life. How I'll get through any worse year than this will be a mystery to me though.
Let's see... where to start...
A second boyfriend
The nicest guy I've ever met/will probably ever meet. Dinners together and kisses and a cute teddy bear and rose I got on valentine's day. I don't think I loved him enough and I knew I definitely couldn't live without him when I went overseas to study. Hence we broke up. In retrospect, it was a good thing for both of us. I definitely didn't think it could last. And I've since discovered that I'm nowhere near being the nice, responsible, Christian girl I thought I was.
A Level Results
The biggest heartbreak in my life to date. I cried for two days straight when I got my results. 6 months of hard work and slogging with a place in UCL as my main aim in life. When the results came out I thought all my dreams had literally shattered and that the door had slammed shut. Considering other courses and other law schools outside the UK just felt like a slap in the face and a punch in the stomach. Luckily Bristol took pity on my pathetic state and gave me a place.
My Jobs: Wong P., Coffee Club, F1
I never realised how refreshing working was until I took up jobs after 5 weeks of nothing-ness. All of these were fun because I got to meet new people everyday and push myself into the open water (where the sharks circle). I think I was one of the luckiest people ever to get the jobs I did. Really learnt a lot. And I'm not just saying that.
Driving
Will always be the (only) thing which I beat my sister at. The only one in my immediate family to pass on my first go, no less. Halfway through the test, the tester opened the door and told me, "you're over the stop line." My thought: "Shit. I failed." But then, I wasn't given points for that and I got 18 points in total. God was good. :)
The Guy
When uni started, I met a guy. (Such a typical story) He was one of the few people I hit it off with straightaway, and we could talk for ages about anything and just be friends. I guess it was a sort of instant attraction on my part (more fool me, in hindsight). The only thing was he had a girlfriend. Who was back home. Who he wanted to cheat on, with me. And I agreed. And everything went downhill from there. So much for being a Christian girl who wouldn't engage in anything hinting at promiscuity or create a relationship-breaking situation. Finally came to my senses and broke it off, effectively getting rid of one of my closest friends in Uni, destroying my self-confidence, my sense of security and contentment. Term 2, by the way, was shit because of that. And the only reason why I'm writing this on here is because I know there will be no way anyone who knows me can read this. And I need to let it go.
The death of a cousin
The first one of us to go. They say it's not right for a parent to bury a child. What of the grandmother, who saw her grandson's coffin and broke down? Or of the wife, who suffered her dad's death a few years earlier and now had to go through that of her husband's? Or the sons, who are too young to know their father or to understand why they don't have a Dad anymore? Railing at the fates and at the universe will never help, though. And so much for me being obedient to God's will. It is the first time I've let it out. And I'm glad we're healing and moving on. But I can't help thinking it isn't fair. And we won't forget you, James.
Seasons will come, and seasons will go. I think this was just a bad spell, and I know I will get over it. But if there's anything I've wished more fervently in this year, it's that I could reverse time. Turn the clock back, undo the mistakes I made, treasure the things I didn't. But no one can. All we can do is keep it all together and pray we won't fall apart. Trusting in God to help us through. And maybe I'll stop hating myself. And move on to face everything else life will throw at me.
Let's see... where to start...
A second boyfriend
The nicest guy I've ever met/will probably ever meet. Dinners together and kisses and a cute teddy bear and rose I got on valentine's day. I don't think I loved him enough and I knew I definitely couldn't live without him when I went overseas to study. Hence we broke up. In retrospect, it was a good thing for both of us. I definitely didn't think it could last. And I've since discovered that I'm nowhere near being the nice, responsible, Christian girl I thought I was.
A Level Results
The biggest heartbreak in my life to date. I cried for two days straight when I got my results. 6 months of hard work and slogging with a place in UCL as my main aim in life. When the results came out I thought all my dreams had literally shattered and that the door had slammed shut. Considering other courses and other law schools outside the UK just felt like a slap in the face and a punch in the stomach. Luckily Bristol took pity on my pathetic state and gave me a place.
My Jobs: Wong P., Coffee Club, F1
I never realised how refreshing working was until I took up jobs after 5 weeks of nothing-ness. All of these were fun because I got to meet new people everyday and push myself into the open water (where the sharks circle). I think I was one of the luckiest people ever to get the jobs I did. Really learnt a lot. And I'm not just saying that.
Driving
Will always be the (only) thing which I beat my sister at. The only one in my immediate family to pass on my first go, no less. Halfway through the test, the tester opened the door and told me, "you're over the stop line." My thought: "Shit. I failed." But then, I wasn't given points for that and I got 18 points in total. God was good. :)
The Guy
When uni started, I met a guy. (Such a typical story) He was one of the few people I hit it off with straightaway, and we could talk for ages about anything and just be friends. I guess it was a sort of instant attraction on my part (more fool me, in hindsight). The only thing was he had a girlfriend. Who was back home. Who he wanted to cheat on, with me. And I agreed. And everything went downhill from there. So much for being a Christian girl who wouldn't engage in anything hinting at promiscuity or create a relationship-breaking situation. Finally came to my senses and broke it off, effectively getting rid of one of my closest friends in Uni, destroying my self-confidence, my sense of security and contentment. Term 2, by the way, was shit because of that. And the only reason why I'm writing this on here is because I know there will be no way anyone who knows me can read this. And I need to let it go.
The death of a cousin
The first one of us to go. They say it's not right for a parent to bury a child. What of the grandmother, who saw her grandson's coffin and broke down? Or of the wife, who suffered her dad's death a few years earlier and now had to go through that of her husband's? Or the sons, who are too young to know their father or to understand why they don't have a Dad anymore? Railing at the fates and at the universe will never help, though. And so much for me being obedient to God's will. It is the first time I've let it out. And I'm glad we're healing and moving on. But I can't help thinking it isn't fair. And we won't forget you, James.
Seasons will come, and seasons will go. I think this was just a bad spell, and I know I will get over it. But if there's anything I've wished more fervently in this year, it's that I could reverse time. Turn the clock back, undo the mistakes I made, treasure the things I didn't. But no one can. All we can do is keep it all together and pray we won't fall apart. Trusting in God to help us through. And maybe I'll stop hating myself. And move on to face everything else life will throw at me.
