where has the year gone? in a flash of light, its disappeared, and I now feel the uncertainty of my whole life...
it's always been this way for me: ride on a wave on false joy, cheer and hope, only to come crashing down all again... and I seem to be yelling more, getting more emotional...

what's the use of joy when pain only comes to take its place?
what's the use of life if we only live to anticipate death?

this is like a blog that hosts all my censored entries on my real blog...

I saw Alex today... first time since we broke up... I can't say I felt sad or anything... I just realised what I feel for myself right now: pure, unadulterated disgust at myself for having gone out with him. I felt as though I was a fool to let myself get conned into liking him... my relationship with him wasn't the kind that I expected.. and now I hate myself for believing in him... the thing was, I've felt that way about him, when I read his blog ages ago... and now... when I saw him again, I felt wretchedly miserable and self concious and I just couldn't feel or say anything... and then I felt even more disgusted at myself for feeling that...
later on at KAP, Annabel was talking about her relationship with Aaron... and I felt even more tired and miserable... there was a sort of closure in their relationship which we never had... and while I don't think it that necessary, I just felt as though this whole thing was a farce... my relationship was worse than friendship somehow... I wish that love could be beautiful... that love at first sight were true... that our first love would be our one and only... then we wouldn't have had to bear the heartache... the pain... the bitterness...