I'm hurting and confused now... so confused I don't know anything anymore.... Alex said that the rules my mum laid down were too stringent and that we'd bebetter off as good friends... and maybe its true... and I wonder if what he really wants is a real relationship or something more physical... I went into this relationship wanting to confide in him, be together, and just talk and everything.... and now I'm wondering if it's what he wants as well and if I can give it to him... and i just realised that somehow without rules, we came to a certain sort of mutual understanding, or just let things drift along and talking about stuff when the time or oppourtunity arose... now it's like I can't seem to grasp what he needs or wants and we've come to a mutual misunderstanding... and my mum isn't making things better... the doubts that arose in me I reasoned out for myself, and then she turned evrything around... she said that I was at the losing end of everything, and that I was going to get hurt... but if I do, it's because I chose it and not anyone else... I love Alex.... and I need to talk to him... but my mum isn't even allowing that... so how can anything be worked out? I'm confused, aching and hurting... and I know that I might break up with him if we can't understand where the boundaries are set...and I don't want to... but I will... I need help from somewhere... someone...
and I'm so scared now... and I'm unsure of what to do...

I'm aching... I offred Alex and me up to God on Sunday and told him "do what you want with us. Split us up r anything, but before you doo, give us now." I don't know how to act... my parents are around me 24/7... and thouh i can call him at night, I hate lying to them and sometimes when I don't want to lie I can't call him... and that happens s often... I love Alex, and I need him, and vice versa... if we break up cos of a lack of miscommunication, I think it'll be my fault... I don't know if i'm giving my all into this, and if I'm withholding some vital part of me from him... and I want to give him all that I can... only that it isn't that easy.... and if we do break up, some part of me will go on aching more and more everyday cos I know i'll have lost something infinitely precious.

Oh man... I'm in love... and its wonderful... when I was going back from the track and field meet, I tripped... and I fell... and then Alex came over to see if I was ok... he insisted on seeing me to the atrium and carrying my files for me, and then he just said "Miss you" and he blew me a kiss... oh man... I just fell right then and there... oh man... Love... beautiful and perfect...

Oh man... I'm so swamped with love right now... the noy of it, EVERYTHING
When Alex asked me to be 'his gal', I felt something swelling inside of me... and after school, I went out with him...
and he was just so everything... and when we met up at HMV he was like "Sorry to make you wait for 4 minutes"... oh man... then we just walked, and talked, we went to Mac's so I could get a mcflurry... and went into Bits and Pieces and bought 2 rings, one for each of us, and he had our names engraved onto it... and it was wonderful... just there... perfect...
the only thing I'm scared of now is that if I get too wrapped up in him, I'll compromise my studies... so I promised myself that I'll HAVE to make my studies top priority and I geuss he'll have to see that... or we won't get each other...

I seriously don't know if I like Alex and vice versa... it's like everything he does now has a sort of impleid meaning behind it... it's really confusing... but if I do like Alex, it's not going to be that bad... cos this kind of liking isn't the kind where you have a crush and moon over that person...... it's more like I KNOW i don't like him, but yet again, I might... confusing, but at least it's not like the time when I had the huge crush on Louis... cos I really REALLY liked him, so it kind of hurt everytime... with Alex , it's like talking to a friend who has the potential of being more than a friend, but since neither paty wishes to acknowledge it, othing is said... so anyhow, i'll let sleeping dogs lie... and I guess I really have to maintain my distance with both Alex and Louis... I don't feel like stepping into another bout of suaning again...

once again, the 'suaning' has begun... about me and alex and me and louis... seriously... don't people have better stuff to do? I mean I was just asking Dot if my hair was ok and if it looked better when it was tied up or let down (ok, that was bimbo) and she was like "So long as Louis is ok with it, nothing else matters" oh man... and I thought it had died off... I mean... all that 'suaning' has been going on for 4 months already... such is life... and it kind of sucks... haiz...

ok... I really can't get this... Alex has been talking about getting me converted to a catholic so 'that it makes things easier for marraige'. I have a lot of things to say... but I shall try to keep them to meself as I have decided that I shall not use vulgar language except for the words 'shit' and 'damn'... anyhow, it's freaky... talking about getting married when you're attatched is one thing... talking about marraige when you've just dissed people for matching you together is another..... he just freaks me out... and Annabel has also told me that I've been hanging around Louis too much lately... ok... I shall try and stop... and keep myself from talking to him at all costs... hopefully that will work... but seriously... MARRAIGE? that is just too freaky for anything.

I have no idea if slacking has become such a big problem... I like research... it doesn't take much effort... but I can't seem to make myself work... sigh... reverting to my old ways... back in Nanyang, I felt as thought it was everyone else applying pressure on me... now I'm pressurizing myself... isn't so bad...
and I've felt i've grown up since I came to NJ... and when I went to far east with weilin and karen today I never once thought how my mum would react if she found out I went out on a weekday afternoon... I had fun... and yet I feel as thought I've betrayed some innate value in me... I'm growing up... and I'm starting to realise that my parents can't seem to realise it, much less trust me... like when mum forbade me to go to places like Mac's or coro or KAP to study cos she thought someone would 'pick me up' and try to get my number... I don't even know what to think... it's this kind of thing that makes me think that she's stifling me... I know her intentions are good... and she can't seem to understand me... maybe its just part of growing up... which is why it was a relief when shewent off to Australia... I had space to breathe, to do what I wanted, and to work at my own space... ah well... she's coming back tonight and I can't stop it...

I really really REALLY need to work... but first... let me talk stuff out with myself...
1. Do I like Louis or Alex?
That's a question that's been really bugging me... I don't know... I think I don't... and the more I think about it, I know I don't... but if they like me.. or something... there MIGHT be a possibility of me liking either of them

2. Things I am NOT:
Pretty, Smart, Sweet, a good Singer, a good Dancer, and photogenic.....ok... now that I've cleared that up, let's hope I can keep that in mind... cos I'm seriously getting an inflated ego over this...

Ok... cleared it all up... right now, I'm restless.... I can't sit still and work... I just want to read... or sleep.... and both options aren't available to me right now... so yeah... workworkwork...

Alex isn't going home tonight... I have no idea whether I should worry for him or not... but then, he's done it so many times before... I'm sorry for him... he's got no place to go, so he's just hanging out around the place the whole night... I'm just frustrated cos I want to help him... but I can't... I just wish he had a real home to go back to... one with love.... but at least he's got God... and with God, the least, will turn out for the best :)

This is interesting... my own private blog... a place where I can note my stuff down... and wonder if anyone I don't want to read this reads it... but I just want a place to write everything down... and not let anyone see... and I find typing better than writing...

I shall post later... but for now, that's about it...